This photo is something special. This photo was made 6 days after my medical abortion in March 2020 and I finally started to feel a bit more alive. Did I want to capture my suffering? No. but I also did not just want to leave it to be forgotten (even if you can't ever forget it). So I grabbed my camera and sat down with no goal, with no plan and no pose in mind. I just put the camera on continuous mode and did something of trying to pose. I remember that my body was not agreeing with me and I ended up with a stab each time I tried to move so I just sat like this (hence why my leg looks so weird). I stared down, tried to fight my tears. You can't see it on my face, but I was gutted that I've put my body through this, gutted that I was weak and gutted that I couldn't just sit down and let my body heal, let my spirit heal.
Every photo I see from March towards June is full of pain, my eyes lost their sparkle and if I smile, it's fake, it's a tired smile. If I scroll through my photo album on my phone I don't recognise myself in those months and even throughout the rest of 2020, I find photos of myself in which I don't see the sparkle in my eyes anymore and just a tired smile. But let's be honest. Even without the MA, it was quite a year...
My mental health is a different story, one that will be maybe posted someday.
I've hit rock bottom at some point, even when I thought I would be fine, I was not and sometimes.. just sometimes I am still not okay.
This baby, even it was just 7 weeks in my uterus, this baby is a part of me and I feel that this baby made me a mother. (and no, I don't care if you think it's not).
It's December 2021 now, it's almost 2022 and when I look at this photo I am thankful that I decided to do this. Even if it wasn't planned at all do make a series of photos. (there are more, but this one is the one that speaks the most). I have been debating recently whether I should have this printed and framed on the wall, just between the other photos.
Maybe someday.
x D.
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